Well, hello there

I believe I am officially showing. It is getting a bit more difficult to really suck in my gut and it pops out without with me even trying. I am actually enjoying feeling as if I have a belly. I thought I would just feel fat, but instead I feel almost proud. I am pretty sure I do not feel fat because the rest of me is pretty much the same. All the jeans button with ease and the shirts still reach the top of my pants. I tell Will every time I finish with my treadmill work out that the stomach grew. It is the strangest thing to watch it grow as my work out progresses.

I am still having to fight the worry that likes to creep up on me. I feel really confident in the pregnancy for maybe a week after receiving some outside proof that there is indeed a baby inside of me, but then I am filled with doubt. There are some continual symptoms, but for the most part I feel pretty normal. I mean how is there a real life inside of me and I am able to go about my day like nothing has really changed, it is crazy? I also think that having the knowledge that life itself is not a guarantee, let alone a healthy one, is frightening when all of a sudden I am consumed with a desire to give this baby a life and the best possible one.

I did not share this story earlier because it sort of dips into too much personal information about lady parts, but it goes a long with working out my worry. When our mothers were in town and we all went into the ultrasound together, things did not go exactly how I envisioned it. I knew that I was still pregnant because being the silly person I am took another pregnancy test the day before the ultrasound. However, when it came time to do the ultrasound the sweet little nurses could find nothing. I knew right away there was nervousness in their demeanor, but I was praying, hoping they were mistaken. They then told me my uterus should be bigger by now and there was no baby detected. They sent me to the bathroom and I immediately grabbed Will and began sobbing. I still can feel that sinking feeling, it hurt deep within. Obviously, once they did an internal exam, they saw everything they needed to see. A tilted uterus was the cause of my sorrow, not an empty womb. Later, Will told me how he had not realized how attached to an "idea" he was until he came face to face with the possibility of the idea not being fulfilled. Here we were aching over an "idea," how much more are we going to ache over this child when it arrives.

This is my point. I have said it before but the worry will not magically vanish, it will continue to take different forms. I can sit here and worry about the possibility of losing this life, the possibility of birth defects, possibility of anything negative, but those will not go away once the baby is here. The worries will most likely intensify. It will take the form of hovering over my sleeping child making sure they are breathing, of wondering if they are developing normally, of not letting anyone else care for them, and on and on.

So this has been my prayer. Lord, please remind me that this life is not mine. I did not create it by my own will or ability, it is yours. You determine its existence and you will determine its every part. I can not add any more days to this child's life by worrying about or trying to control it.

I have a feeling this will be something I will continue to pray about until I am no longer alive.

So here I am, approaching fifteen weeks of pregnancy, saying hello to my new rounded abdomen and attempting to say goodbye to worry.