some comparisons

 

It seems we have all had a difficult time trying to determine who Eliza looks like. So here are some photos of her side by side to Madison at the same age. I see some similarities, but they are still uniquely their own. I am excited to see who Eliza will turn into. It was a bit shocking to me to go back and look through the photos of Madison because it is so hard for me to comprehend how these little nuggets turn into little people. I sometimes feel like I am just replaying Madison's infancy and I forget I have an entirely new baby. I also find it strange it has always been Madison, that somewhere in these pictures who she would become was hiding. It is even harder for me to realize that the same thing will happen to Eliza. All we know of Eliza now is that she is a squishy, floppy baby, but some day she will look completely different and have a distinct personality. Human development is all so fascinating to me and almost too much for me to wrap my head around.

one month

Eliza is one month today. 

The first three months always amaze me at how fast they actually go by when every day seems like it might carry on forever. The days sort of blend into one and I struggle to recall what we spent our time doing. Yet, I know that we will look back at this time with great fondness. There is just something so rewarding about making it through hard times. I know that our current hard times are a far cry from some, but we are still having to work through a season that pulls and stretches us. This newborn stage can really make or break a couple. We argue the most during the middle of the night shenanigans. I think we just have keep remembering that we are working through this together and the rewards of raising these little ones far outweigh the sleeplessness. 

All this to say, Eliza has been not the happiest baby this month. She has had some intense stomach/gas issues and will scream in pain for quite some time. We went to the doctor last week and she was prescribed an acid reflux medicine and I was told to cut out all dairy and soy from my diet. I have had a difficult time with how much stuff we are giving our wee little baby, from gas drops to prescription medicine, but I just keep hoping none of it causes more problems than she has now. We will know next week if me eliminating dairy is making a difference, I sure hope it is so she can stop taking the prescription medicine. This has been the most challenging part of having two kids or really any kid, constant crying. Eliza does not want to be put down if she is awake and so I get a bit of anxiety when she is awake because I know she will be crying. I think that she is getting a bit better because she has had more moments where she is awake and content. 

Even through the struggle of her crying, I can feel that every day I become a bit more attached to her. I get to know her more every day and my love for her increases constantly. For me, it takes a while to fall in love with my children, I mean they are strangers. The desire to protect them and shield them from harm comes immediately, but the deep, gooey love takes time. 

I am just so thankful I get to raise these girls with alongside Will and I am glad we all have each other. I am excited to see how Eliza's personality fits in with ours and how are family will grow together. 

Some highlights from Eliza's first month:

* She still has dark hair. She has dark eyelashes and eyebrows. I can already see the blonde hair growing in, just like with Madison, so I know it will change eventually. She still has blue eyes, but those may or may not change.

* She weighs 9 lbs 2 oz as of last Friday. Which means she is gaining weight quickly and has the rolls to show for it. It is amazing to see how she has filled out since birth. 

* She still has dimples. It will be great when she is smiling to capture them on camera. 

* She sticks her toes straight up when she eats.

* Her hands are almost always open, this kind of reveals to me that she might be more laid back than Madison despite the crying. 

* She will only nurse when she is hungry. She makes it very clear when she is done and when she does not want any food. She is strictly business when it comes to nursing. 

* She loves taking baths with me. Her entire body relaxes when I have her float in the water.

* She loves being in the carrier and would be content if I held her all day, which I have on several occasions. 

* She is still sleeping in our room. I think sharing a room with the sister will still be a while. 

* She parties from 2 am and 4 am most nights. This is when her tummy troubles kick in and she can not get comfortable to stay asleep. This is also when the exhausted fights occur between Will and me, ha. But we are getting through it, one night at a time. 

We find ourselves continually saying, it will get better, it will get better. While I know that this is true, I also don't want to be wasting our time hoping for better days. These days are pretty darn good, they are just a bit more difficult than normal. And when we have two children sleeping through the night, we will look back and wonder where our babies went. 

So happy one month Eliza, I am so thrilled you decided to join our family. 

Madison is two!

Yesterday, Madison turned two. The second year went by much faster to me. I am sure every year is just going to get faster and faster, but if it they are all spent with Madison, that is fine. 

We put together her Ikea kitchen on Saturday night and she woke up to it all assembled. So far she seems to really enjoy it. She even fixed us all coffee this morning. 

We then took her on a date for breakfast. We have not gone anywhere with just her since Eliza was born. I think she was tickled that she had mom and dad all to herself. 

I stopped doing the monthly highlights when she turned one, but I will write out some of the things she does at age two:

* She is pretty much potty trained, seeing her little bottom in those princess panties is too much for me to handle. 

* She is still really independent and is not afraid to venture off on her own. She is curious about everything and is not at all hesitant to go off and check everything out. 

* She has finally started to put three words together. She was abit slower in the language development, but I think she is finally catching on. She still adds "e" in front of things, "e mama, e dog, e dada, etc." I think it is her version of the, or a. 

* She is a climber and still is fearless. This both excites me and makes me nervous. I try not to let on that it makes me nervous when we are at parks, but sometimes when she shoots down those eight feet slides, my stomach flips. 

* She seems to be taking on the big sister role with pride. She is constnatnly checking in on Eliza and is gets concerned when she does not know where she is. 

* She is in the do everything herself stage. Most walks she ends up pushing the stroller for us and holding Aspen's leash. 

 She just does so many funny things, it is hard to keep up. I really feel she has changed so much between 18 months and 24 months. She is a real life kid to me, not a baby. I think the real parenting stuff is beginning now. The discipline and the shaping of her character have begun. She is soaking everything up everything about what this world is about and how to navigate it. 

With every passing day I love her a bit more. It is strange to think that she would not even exist if it had not been for Will and me. I am so thankful for her life and how I get to watch her constantly evolve.

our first few days

We are still all alive, so that is great! 

I am still not flying totally solo five days a week yet, but I am easing my way into it. I had two days all alone last week and will have three days alone this week. 

This morning seems to have been the hardest so far. Mostly because I could not get Eliza to sleep and she only wants to be held when she is awake. It is also Monday and the mornings are the worst for my level of exhaustion. But my sweet neighbor picked up Madison to go on a walk with her and her daughter, so I have a little bit of time.

The night times are still really rough. We think Eliza has some gas issues, so we are trying various things. We have been dosing her with Gripe water and now I am going to try and go dairy free, eek. I do think she desires to sleep more than Madison ever did, but gets really uncomfortable and can't settle down. It is amazing how these sleepless nights become a distant memory, but when we are in the thick of it, they are so difficult. I guess the selective memory thing is the way the human population continues on. But we have once again concluded we probably do not want to go through the newborn stage again. 

 

I am still not eager to leave the house. Our house makes me feel secure and I know how to navigate two children here, but going outside this comfort zone is still makes me nervous. It seems Eliza does not like the car at all yet and hearing those screams makes me all jittery inside.  We have been upping our walking time though. We also have done a few outings but only when Will is with me. We even braved the grocery store with both kids yesterday.

Our days are not very exciting, but it has been a great time to slowly adjust to our new life. I am totally fine with easing my way into this big change. With Madison, I was all too eager to regain my normal life, but now I know there is no sense in rushing anything. 

The most exciting thing we have coming up is Madison's second birthday. I think I will always be that mom who can not believe she is [blank] old. I am looking forward to trying to make her day special.

on the eve of will going back to work...

Will is going back to work tomorrow. Lucky for me he is taking the fourth off, so I get to ease my way into being alone all day. 

I have moments where I am, of course, really anxious and nervous, but then moments where I am excited for getting to spend my days with our girls. I wish there was a way I can change the way crying sounds to me, maybe waves crashing on a beach or something, but I need to learn to embrace the crying. I do have confidence that Madison will even out once she gets into a routine of things. She is [usually] really well behaved for just me. I also know that these first few months are going to be a period of giving myself grace. If our morning routine now involves a little Sesame Street, then I need to just accept that. If we spent our days in pajamas, but everyone got fed, then it should be a day of celebrating. 

I remember with Madison, that after she was born I just wanted to feel normal again. I have moments where I feel that way again. I want to have a routine. I want to run. I want to enjoy the evenings with Will. Yet, I know that time will come. I just can not rush the process of getting there. 

Much like I was after Madison's birth, it pains me to see how fast time goes. Madison's recent growth spell has left me feeling like she is a stranger. When I look at old photos from even just a few months ago, I have a deep knot in my throat at how much Madison has grown. The knot only gets bigger when I look at Eliza and know that time will have its same effect on her. I have no regrets with the way I have spent Madison's first years of life, I know I have made the most of it all, but it still stings to know how quickly she has outgrown my arms. Hopefully someday I can celebrate their growth and the passing of the years, but right now I would not mind keeping them little for just a bit longer. 

So when the chaos of trying to take care of two children and myself hits tomorrow, I hope I can remember how quickly it all fades into the next stage. I hope I can just soak up these delicate first memories of just me and my girls.