on the eve of will going back to work...

Will is going back to work tomorrow. Lucky for me he is taking the fourth off, so I get to ease my way into being alone all day. 

I have moments where I am, of course, really anxious and nervous, but then moments where I am excited for getting to spend my days with our girls. I wish there was a way I can change the way crying sounds to me, maybe waves crashing on a beach or something, but I need to learn to embrace the crying. I do have confidence that Madison will even out once she gets into a routine of things. She is [usually] really well behaved for just me. I also know that these first few months are going to be a period of giving myself grace. If our morning routine now involves a little Sesame Street, then I need to just accept that. If we spent our days in pajamas, but everyone got fed, then it should be a day of celebrating. 

I remember with Madison, that after she was born I just wanted to feel normal again. I have moments where I feel that way again. I want to have a routine. I want to run. I want to enjoy the evenings with Will. Yet, I know that time will come. I just can not rush the process of getting there. 

Much like I was after Madison's birth, it pains me to see how fast time goes. Madison's recent growth spell has left me feeling like she is a stranger. When I look at old photos from even just a few months ago, I have a deep knot in my throat at how much Madison has grown. The knot only gets bigger when I look at Eliza and know that time will have its same effect on her. I have no regrets with the way I have spent Madison's first years of life, I know I have made the most of it all, but it still stings to know how quickly she has outgrown my arms. Hopefully someday I can celebrate their growth and the passing of the years, but right now I would not mind keeping them little for just a bit longer. 

So when the chaos of trying to take care of two children and myself hits tomorrow, I hope I can remember how quickly it all fades into the next stage. I hope I can just soak up these delicate first memories of just me and my girls.