I have been struggling lately with the feeling I am not adequately meeting Madison's needs. She has been more fussy than usual and it seems none of my "tricks" have been working. She also has been going through a phase where any time I get near her she either punches, pulls, or slaps me. Maybe I am being dramatic, but after enough time of this it feels like she would rather just use me as a punching bag. But, just when I think I am failing totally, she will lean in and I feel an open mouth kiss on my nose or become incredibly still and allow me to press my cheek to hers. Those moments are rare, but I think it might be better that way because it makes me stop and relish in the brief moment of affection she is choosing to share with me.
She is an explorer and wants nothing to stand in her way of that, including me. So it seems as if her independence of me is already beginning, which makes my mothering heart sink a bit. But that pride I felt tonight watching her grow confidence in her body as she rocked back and forth on all fours and the light in her eyes when she saw I was watching and clapping in celebration, is more than I think my heart can take.
I will take fifty hair pulls in exchange for two open mouth kisses and the chance to be her biggest supporter in all her accomplishments.
This mothering thing can be beyond difficult, but luckily, the love is insurmountable.
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