A Glimpse

This has been our life lately. It seems our time is spent with a sleeping baby or attempting to get the baby sleeping. I think that for the most part we our enjoying every little moment. She is growing before our eyes. Seriously, after a three hour nap yesterday, she doubled in size.

We actually left our safety net last week and headed to Houston. Overall, it was great to see people, but it was a bit too much for me and Madison to handle. I am still attempting to recover, which leaves me feeling less than social. Madison, is still figuring out life and her whole "schedule" was thrown off. I also felt pressure, probably self-created, to have everything together. I found myself very uncomfortable when Madison would cry. I felt the need to prove to people that we were still the same and having a baby does not change anything. Well, a baby does change everything. Will and I are not able to just sit back and relax with friends. There is a constant companion who either needs to be fed, changed, or rocked to sleep. My mind was never fully devoted to whoever we were visiting because I have something in constant need of me.

I think that the problem was I thought that if Madison was fussy it was my fault. I felt/feel that if she is not acting perfectly it is a reflection of me. I am not giving her enough stability, I have not formed a good enough schedule for her, etc. So, once again, I am faced with my perfectionism.

The point of these two paragraphs is my insecurities have taken a new form. Will reminds me that Madison is her own person and also not a reasoning being. That no one really knows what to do with a baby, its a huge learning process. That it is only me who expects me to have it all together.

The reality is I do not have it all together. My baby cries and I am sometimes left wondering what the heck I should do for her. My body is still healing and resting from carrying a baby for ninth months. My relationships will change. My whole perspective on life is changing also. In the end, Will and I are never going to be the same. But it is a beautiful change, a change I should not feel ashamed about.

For right now, our life is about Madison. She will grow to need us less and less, but in this moment we are her source for everything. The only problem with that is when my expectations get in the way.

So I will be attempting to let it all go. When she cries, I can not take it personally. I must accept her fully in every moment, even the moments of hysterical crying. I must accept where I am at in every moment also, even when my clothes still do not fit and I am covered in breastmilk. These moments are all too precious to have perfectionism cloud them.