This is a direct follow up of those posts labeled, Waiting and Still waiting.
So I pretty much was in "labor" for two and a half days before I was officially checked into the hospital. As a mentioned before the doctor attempted to get things moving on the Monday before she was born, but that only caused braxton hicks contractions, followed by actual contractions up until Thursday. After our hospital visit on Wednesday night, that resulted in us heading back home, my doctor had called on Thursday requesting I come in and attempt to get "real" labor started.
At this point, I was a bit of an emotional wreck. The rollercoaster of, "is this labor, is it not, will I ever know, what the heck is about to happen?" was really wearing me down. I felt so beat at this point and mentally could feel I was not prepared for labor. Fears began to creep in and I could not fight them, I knew that these were all signs of not being able to fully handle natural child birth.
When my doctor swept my membranes again, I was not very hopeful, I thought this birth thing will not be happening to me. It was a strange mindset, considering all babies must come out, but I just could not wrap my mind around it actually happening to me. I felt the same way about marriage. I thought there was no way I was actually going to be the one walking down the aisle.
So, I labor another half of a day. The contractions are stronger and staying three minutes apart, and I was tired, physically and emotionally. I decided that if I went into the hospital I knew that my doctor would not want me to leave, so Pitocin (a medicine to speed things up) was an option, but I could not carry on in this in between stage anymore. I am strongly against Pitocin or inducing labor, which shows how out of my mind I was, ha.
We head to the hospital around 5:30 pm on July 14th. We fed Aspen and knew that this was probably it. Unfortunately, this night everyone decided to have babies, which resulted in very disgruntled nurses. The first nurse to check me, had a warped sense of humor and made it clear that she would rather be anywhere else than checking another potential woman in labor. She also had gold rings on every finger and finger nails that practically curled under. Just imagine how lovely that was when she is checking my progress... She says I am still only 3 cm dilated, and left. Great, all these contractions, but nothing is happening.
My doctor comes to check on me around 6:45 pm and magically I had actually progressed to a 4.5 cm and he enthusiastically said, "let's break your water." It was something I had been dying to hear, but all of a sudden everything was happening so fast.
Shift changed, and the first thing my new nurse said was, "I am not supposed to be here, but I offered to come in anyway, I do get to go home after you have the baby, so lets make this quick." Well, great! Now that I am officially on schedule to have this baby, she goes to get the lovely IV's. I was required to be hooked up to an IV at all times because I had Group B Strep. When she began inserting the IV's and telling me how most women complain about the pain of the Penicillin going through their veins, I knew I was done for. I had to be attached to the IV and monitors the entire time. No changing labor positions, no sitting in the bath tub, no walking around, pretty much just laying flat on the bed, which is the most painful thing when contractions are ramming you up and down.
My doctor came in and broke my water at 7:30 pm. Just like that I was in full fledged labor. Contractions wrecking my body, one minute apart, no break, nothing. It was instant. The only somewhat relief I had was sitting on the edge of the bed, shaking back and forth. Will said I looked like a gypsy. However, every time I bent over, the monitor for the baby's heart rate would fall off, the alarm would sound, and the nurse would panic, telling me to pretty much stop doing the only thing that was getting me through the contractions. Also, the Penicillin had taken full effect and the burning in my arm coupled with the contractions, was more than I could handle. I started throwing up, like five times. Something had to be done because this was NOT the birth experience I wanted.
I lasted almost an hour and a half then told Will that the epidural was needed because I wanted to remember this, I wanted to be in the moment and fully take in what was happening. Clearly, my breathing techniques were not carrying me through, ha.
So I caved at around 9 pm, but I knew it was the best decision for me in that moment. The epidural did not take long to insert and I was able to finally rest. After three days of constant contraction counting, anticipation, and anxiety, I could finally rest. At this point, my mom came to visit and offered to get Will some food. Will thought it would be best to leave me alone and went downstairs to eat. (Note: husband's never leave your laboring wife) Not thirty minutes had passed and my lovely nurse decided to check me again. Low and behold the babies head was fully in view, time to push at 10:15 pm.
My nerves kicked in again and I began to shake. I literally could feel nothing, but nervousness was creeping all over. Plus, where the heck was my husband. The nurses could not find him and my phone call during pushing did not get him. Finally, after calling my mother, I tracked down my husband and told him to get himself back to me. He actually rode the elevator up with my doctor.
I was demanded to push during every contraction by my nurse. I could feel nothing, which is why I was against the epidural. They also made me hold my breath and push extremely hard, which is not what I wanted. My body was designed to naturally expel the baby without all the added effort on my part. My actual nurse made me feel as if I was the worst pusher ever and I was never going to get this baby out. Luckily my doctor (whom I adore) and nurses (that were a bit sweeter) came in to attend the birth, which helped me. I thrive off of people liking me and being happy for me, clearly my nurse could care less about me or my baby. There was absolutely no giddiness or excitement, which really bothered me.
I began to laugh once her head emerged. I was laughing at the ridiculousness of my knees being by my ears, a babies head sticking out (with hair that looked black, um, whose baby is coming out of me...), four people all staring at this head emerging, and me not being able to feel a dang thing. I got my wish of being in the moment because I felt pretty aware of what was happening. Aware of how strange this all was.
Then about an hour later, Madison came out screaming at 11:16 pm. I looked down and saw a bright blue scrunched up, screaming baby. It was a out of body experience. How is this actually happening to me? Then she was laid on my chest for like five minutes. I thought that she would hear my voice and immediately calm down, no such luck. Baby girl kept screaming for forty five minutes after her birth. I remember looking over at her while they kept messing with her and having this huge disconnect. I was a bit worried because I did not feel anything that I thought I would feel. I thought I would recognize her and be overcome with deep love for her, but I did not. I was pretty much in shock, I think.
Everything got cleaned up, they plopped her on my chest, and the grandmas got to come in to meet her. I was still in a daze and shaking. The adrenaline would not subside.
We were finally able to go to our room at 2 am and to be left alone. This is when it hit me. I was laying in my hospital bed, and I turned my head to the left and could see my newborn sleeping soundly in her bassinet and just past her was my husband curled up on a miniature bed. The windows were huge in our room, with the twinkling city lights in view, and the whole night seemed silent as I gazed at my view. I was hit with deep thankfulness, unlike anything I have ever experienced before. The whole world was spinning on, but I was stuck in a time warp staring at the wonderful blessing the Lord had given me. I could feel myself falling in love and it was almost more than my heart could take.
I am so incredibly thankful for a birth experience that had no complications. The pregnancy was wonderful and my body did exactly what it was supposed to. However, I still feel strongly about the negative effects of an epidural and the way in which modern medicine views birth. If I was to do it again (which is really difficult to even think about right now...) we would be under the care of a midwife and have the baby in a birth center. There were too many things stacked against me to attempt to have a natural birth in the hospital. Having a super supportive midwife, who would help diminish my fears and being able to birth in a place that offers alternatives to laying strapped in a hospital bed, would make all the difference in the world.
I have to keep fighting the voice inside that tells me I am weak for getting the epidural, the voice that tells me my husband thinks less of me because I gave in, and the voice that tells me I took the easy way out. My worth is not found in whether or not I had a baby naturally, it is just hard to fight these post-pregnancy emotions sometimes.
0 comments:
Post a Comment