week nineteen

I have seen this on several people's blog who are pregnant. I think they are lame sometimes, but it might be something fun to do every once in a while. So here is the recap of week nineteen.

How far along: 19 weeks

Total Weight Gain/Loss: going on fourty pounds, ha.

Maternity Clothes: I bought some clothes that are three sizes too big, does that count? The jeans in the picture above are size 29 and make me feel really skinny right now because I can actually button them.

Gender: one or the other I am sure

Movement: YES! lil babe is moving right now. It feels like muscles spasms beneath my belly button.

Sleep: between the vivid dreams and get up and pee shuffle every night, sleep is rough. I finally fall asleep around five, but then Will gets up shortly after that and rummages around and makes loud boy noises.

What I miss: being warm. Ha, that has nothing to do with pregnancy. Just in general I miss being warm.

Cravings: Nothing really. Food in general is just the greatest thing to me these days. The only thing I want for my birthday is food. The only thing I want to spend money on is food. Gosh, its bad, but it tastes soo good!

Symptoms: Itchiness. I itch all the time. Maybe that is because of the dryness here but either way its annoying.

Best Moment this week: Camping was pretty great.

on my mind

* My dog's snoring kept me up last night. Yes, Aspen, is a snoring, stinky dog. She literally sounds like an old man snoring with each inhale. At least if it was Will snoring, I could hit him and say cut that out, but I am afraid Aspen would be unable to understand.

* I might have mentioned this before, but I am trying really hard to fight the fear that drives our society. It seems that no matter what type of magazine I browse through there is always an article directed towards fear. For example, the parenting magazines have parenting "tips" that seem to only make the point that if you say or do the wrong thing you will screw your child up. Who needs to read about that stuff?? Who can possibly think about every little thing they say to their child and analyze it before the words come out of their mouth? Another example is all the "dangers" to avoid while pregnant. I do not feel relieved to have read the information but instead feel as if I must create a bubble immediately and never leave. Because everything down to the type of bottle I drink my water out of could harm me. I think that the best thing I can do is realize that while some of this advice might be accurate, fear is not something God designed for us to live in. Fear is crippling and I must choose to live free of fear.

* I will most likely be writing more about fear because I can find its evidence everywhere. The birthing classes we will be taking later on in March address the fear associated with birth and the way it distorts the birthing experience.

* I truly want to fight all negative thoughts I might have towards my expanding body. I believe, for the most part, I am embracing my expanding torso. Even to the point that Will continually shakes his head at how much I rub my uncovered belly because I love letting it all hang out. However, this past week, despite working out every day, I felt those negative thoughts creeping in. Thoughts like: Why won't my arms tone? My belly does not look as good as I think it does. My face is already swelling up. Even my comment on last week's picture of looking as big as a whale, is not productive. I do not want those negative thoughts to strip away the beauty of creating life and the beauty of living free from the chains of self-hatred. I want to take pride in what my body is capable of, whether it is running a marathon or housing a child for nine months.

* I am almost certain we are going to find out the gender of our lil munchkin. I can not find a reason to really sway my opinion one way or the other. I think that either way is great and other people should not judge someone's decision to find out. However, if the child decides not to cooperate, I will be totally ok with that also. I am pretty sure we will keep the name to ourselves until they are born. I really do not think I can handle people's opinion on the name and once the name is on the birth certificate there is not much room for an opinion.

* We are spending the night in a forest service cabin tomorrow night. There is no running water or electricity. Which is really ok except for the fact I get up of a minimum four times a night to use the bathroom (probably most annoying symptom of pregnancy thus far). So that means getting up and popping a squat in the below freezing temperatures, yikes. I should have pictures from the experience (ha, not the experience of peeing outside), some pictures other than my belly.

* I have more thoughts, but this is enough rambling for now.

Hey, Mom, What is in there??

Besides me looking like a whale, I think this has got to be one of my favorite belly pictures. The stomach has grown, but I am sticking it out more than usual, which enhances the size.

Will's birthday on Wednesday ended up being really great. We went to a brick oven pizza place downtown. However, we did not realize how "uppity" it was. Nearly every table had a bottle of wine and everyone seemed to exude wealth. The tables were really close together and I really enjoyed getting to hear other people's conversation. Is that strange?

We have been munching on the cookie cake I made him all week and he has worn the shirt I bought him everyday since his birthday, ha.

I also knit my first baby item this week. Well, I finished it this week, because two weeks ago when I started, I became so flustered I threw it in the knitting bin and seriously contemplated throwing it away. The hormones do sometimes play a role in my reaction to things lately, but don't tell Will I admitted to that.

I have no idea when our child will need a wool sweater in Texas, but it kept me occupied for a bit. I feel the urge to get things situated for when the baby comes, but I am pretty much at a stand still because we are going to be moving. I did register at Target, but that is about all I can really do right now.

We are going to go hiking, crossing our fingers Aspen doesn't unleash her aggression on any dopey golden retriever.

Two weeks from Monday we will have the ultrasound. I can. not. wait. Three weeks from Monday I will be in Texas with the bro bro. I. can. not. wait. for that either!

Slow Weeks

I use slow to describe time, not growth, ha. I will start the post with some pictures of the expanding bump.

(after every picture, I ask Will, "does it look like I am pregnant?" and he replies with, "Sure, but all I can really see is your broken knees.")

Two weeks ago I had my sixteen week appointment with my lovely Dr. Everything still seems to be doing well and the heart rate is down to 153 beats per minute. I also scheduled the BIG ultrasound for February 28th just two days before I am twenty-one weeks. I say BIG because it is the one I have been anxiously waiting for. We have opted out of any sort of genetic screening because honestly the chances of us being carriers are really slim, but there is still the off chance something might not be developing properly with our little babe. So at the ultrasound we will get the chance to see the chambers of the heart, organs, brain formation, and also possibly the gender. The baby will actually look like a baby at this ultrasound. The countdown is three weeks, I am already praying for my nerves.

The exciting thing is that a week after the appointment I make my way down to Texas. The brother will be visiting before his pending deployment and I want to spend as much time possible with him. I will be staying two weeks and Will is going to fly down once his spring break kicks in. This is another benefit of not having a job, I can just take two week vacations. I have some great stuff arriving in the next month or so, but right now I am just sitting in anticipation of it all.

Will's 26th birthday is the Wednesday. I have actually put some thought into it this year. The week will include lots of homemade meals (I am really getting great at this cooking thing), a surprise dinner (he never reads this), a cookie cake, and maybe a hat for aspen. I was a slacker for our anniversary, but hopefully this will make up for it. All special occasions (Christmas, anniversary, Will's Birthday, Valentine's day, and my birthday) fall within three months of each other and it makes the creativeness somewhat difficult.

I wish I kept a log of all the pregnancy related comments Will makes because some are pretty ridiculous. For example, this one stands out in my mind.

Back Story: I have been trying to attempt to guess what I am going to look like when I am largely pregnant. Will I be huge everywhere, just in the stomach, etc. So I have discussions with Will about this a lot, here is how one went down....

Me: "So I think I may be one of those pregnant women who..."

Will: Interrupting me says, "who is huge as a house."

I must give him credit though. I have put him in a position to discuss all sorts of topics he could have gone a lifetime without discussing, but who else am I supposed to discuss these things with? He is really patient and attempts to partake in conversations even when they revolve around nasty birth stories.

One more pregnancy related topic (for now). I thought that maybe it was just in my paranoid head people that people have been giving me the stare down because of my bulging abdomen, but yesterday Will confirmed it was not just me. I have gotten to the point where I do not even look around in a public place to see who is looking at me. However, Will noticed this woman stare at my stomach, stare at Will, stare at our hands (for rings), stare at my stomach... I guess it doesn't help that Will looks sixteen.

That is pretty much all I can think of to write about. I keep hoping that someday I will have interesting topics to share, but until then just pregnancy.

I will leave you with this.

Five Things on Friday

1. It turns out that the only thing I really have to update this blog about is the pregnancy. That is fairly boring. However, I tend to only write about the things I have going on which is why I mostly wrote about running and now pregnancy. Oh well... Here is the picture for the week.

2. I am nearly positive I felt little kicks/spasms from the babe yesterday morning. I thought I had felt them for a couple of days, but I think yesterday confirmed what I had been feeling. It was in the same spot over and over again. I have not felt them today, but I read that this early they are still random movements versus the intentional, get me out of here, ones when the baby is bigger.

3. Will and I have been spending lots of quality time together. We celebrated our two year anniversary at a fancy restaurant we had not been to before. It was so delicious. And since Will made the reservations for 5:30, we had the restaurant to ourselves, ha. We also went to a bed and breakfast this past weekend called, The Howler's Inn. There is a wolf sanctuary in the side yard and the inn is run by a really sweet family. It was neat to get away, even if it was fifteen minutes from home. We are going to the Banff Film Festival (features extreme outdoor films) tonight and having a couple over for home made pizzas before hand.

4. I think I mentioned I got a "job" working for a business called Chryssy's Characters. Chryssy gets calls from people who would like various characters (Cinderella, Snowwhite, etc.) paint faces/blow up balloons at their children's party. I have dressed up for two parties and will be face painting this weekend at a home fair. It is a fun job, but Will keeps reminding me I can not be a pregnant princess. So it might be coming to an end soon.



5. I made the best beef enchiladas last night. I felt so proud of myself. One of my "resolutions" was to attempt to plan meals for the week and I did that the best I could this week. I also made another "resolution" to try and read more. I have blown through three books already. Water for Elephants, Same kind of Different as Me, and Saving CeeCee Honeycutt. I put resolutions in quotations because I do not actually write them down, I just make a mental note of what I want to change.

I am off to finish the rest of the enchiladas. Yum!

Well, hello there

I believe I am officially showing. It is getting a bit more difficult to really suck in my gut and it pops out without with me even trying. I am actually enjoying feeling as if I have a belly. I thought I would just feel fat, but instead I feel almost proud. I am pretty sure I do not feel fat because the rest of me is pretty much the same. All the jeans button with ease and the shirts still reach the top of my pants. I tell Will every time I finish with my treadmill work out that the stomach grew. It is the strangest thing to watch it grow as my work out progresses.

I am still having to fight the worry that likes to creep up on me. I feel really confident in the pregnancy for maybe a week after receiving some outside proof that there is indeed a baby inside of me, but then I am filled with doubt. There are some continual symptoms, but for the most part I feel pretty normal. I mean how is there a real life inside of me and I am able to go about my day like nothing has really changed, it is crazy? I also think that having the knowledge that life itself is not a guarantee, let alone a healthy one, is frightening when all of a sudden I am consumed with a desire to give this baby a life and the best possible one.

I did not share this story earlier because it sort of dips into too much personal information about lady parts, but it goes a long with working out my worry. When our mothers were in town and we all went into the ultrasound together, things did not go exactly how I envisioned it. I knew that I was still pregnant because being the silly person I am took another pregnancy test the day before the ultrasound. However, when it came time to do the ultrasound the sweet little nurses could find nothing. I knew right away there was nervousness in their demeanor, but I was praying, hoping they were mistaken. They then told me my uterus should be bigger by now and there was no baby detected. They sent me to the bathroom and I immediately grabbed Will and began sobbing. I still can feel that sinking feeling, it hurt deep within. Obviously, once they did an internal exam, they saw everything they needed to see. A tilted uterus was the cause of my sorrow, not an empty womb. Later, Will told me how he had not realized how attached to an "idea" he was until he came face to face with the possibility of the idea not being fulfilled. Here we were aching over an "idea," how much more are we going to ache over this child when it arrives.

This is my point. I have said it before but the worry will not magically vanish, it will continue to take different forms. I can sit here and worry about the possibility of losing this life, the possibility of birth defects, possibility of anything negative, but those will not go away once the baby is here. The worries will most likely intensify. It will take the form of hovering over my sleeping child making sure they are breathing, of wondering if they are developing normally, of not letting anyone else care for them, and on and on.

So this has been my prayer. Lord, please remind me that this life is not mine. I did not create it by my own will or ability, it is yours. You determine its existence and you will determine its every part. I can not add any more days to this child's life by worrying about or trying to control it.

I have a feeling this will be something I will continue to pray about until I am no longer alive.

So here I am, approaching fifteen weeks of pregnancy, saying hello to my new rounded abdomen and attempting to say goodbye to worry.