the mush

There we are. Just me and my baby. Mother and daughter.

For nine months I had her all to myself. The kicks, the hiccups, the growing pains. This mystery grew inside of me and I had nothing but the idea of her to cling onto.

Then she was born and all of a sudden I was flung into motherhood. There was absolutely no preparation that could have been done to equip me for the journey ahead. I thought that I had a pretty good idea what being a mother meant, how to take care of a child, how to balance my life with her, but turns out I had no idea what I was doing.

I fought this new role hard. I fought it every time I could not get her to sleep, every time I had no one else to turn to except the baby I could not get to sleep. I fought it every time I had to face another day alone with her. I fought it when I just wanted a few moments to talk to my husband after being away from him all day.

I did not understand how we got here. How did the "real" world hit so hard and could I ever adjust?  I was used to having my husband all to myself. I was used to running wherever and whenever I felt like. I was used to knitting and creating in my spare time. The never ending responsibility of Madison was really difficult for me to come to terms with.

But the months kept ticking away. She kept growing and so did I.

Somewhere in the past year I was finally able to find my footing. I was able to fully grasp and accept my role as Madison's mother. And dare I say, enjoy it!

I get a bit sad that I have not always felt the way I do now towards being her mother. I think that is why I do not want any more time to pass and I want to just sit back and soak up every minute with her because I did not do that at first.

I think that I finally came to realize that we are raising a child right now. I have to stop fighting this. There will be a day when we can train for more marathons, rock climb all day, and hike those mountains taunting us out our window. But for right now we have this beautiful baby desiring nothing but us. We will never get this time with her back, its nothing we will be able to recapture. We either soak it up now or regret it later.

So that is where we are now. Fully embracing our role as parents. Loving the chance to raise a child together because I am all too familiar now with how quickly this time is already becoming a memory.