an update of sorts

I am really not sure if I will ever be in pictures again. I would rather capture what these beauties look like during this time, than the haggard mom I am during this time. 

I have been wanting to update on this time, but my mind draws a complete blank. These past eight weeks have been a really hard time for us. I struggled with writing about it or talking about it because I feel like I would come across as ungrateful and weak. I just think that God uses these newborn days as a way to reveal all my little cracks and remind me how I must fill those cracks up with Him. 

Will and I agree that with Madison and now with Eliza, the hardness of it all brought to light parts of ourselves that needed some work. With Madison I had to come to terms with how little control I actually have. With Eliza I have had to let go of, well pretty much everything. Having children is a constant reminder that my life is not my own. This is something that God deeply desires me to know, but it is so easy to forget. 

Since I have totally eliminated dairy from my diet, Eliza seems to finally be more at peace. It took sometime to see results and she spend that time screaming. I sometimes can still hear her screaming even when the house is silent. She is finally smiling and cooing and can be awake without screaming, I can hardly believe it. I feel I am still holding my breath though. She still has a screaming fit about once a week, but gosh, once a week is manageable. I can even put her down with out her screaming now, which still takes me by surprise. I do not think I put her down for five weeks straight.

The girls barely nap at the same time, so I spend almost all day with a child close by. I am finally reaching the point where letting Will give me a break is more manageable. It just takes a bit of work to leave Eliza (I have to pump...) and I always stress that its too stressful for him to handle them. Well, today he took them to a birthday party for one of his coworkers daughters. He was gone for three hours and all I did was clean. It is funny to me that during my time to myself all I wanted to do was clean uninterrupted. I then went on a run. So I am probably more tired than I was to begin with, but my mind can rest easy knowing my house is clean.

We are still taking it day by day. Each day is sometimes a little bit better or a little bit worse, nothing is quite predictable yet. We still feel like we are drowning, but I think we are slowly, inching our way closer to being able to grab the side of the pool.